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the deepest scar…

January 4, 2011

I remember lying on the same bed, staring at the same celling and B asked me one question that took me aback. He asked “If one day J comes back to you, what will you do?” I never did have the answer to reply him.

A lot of people likes to say that I have very high expectation for my boyfriend. But it has never occur to me that my expectation are very high. I came from a very open minded family. My parents believe that man and woman are equal in this society. And so I equally believe that whatever man can do, woman can do it too. And so the only expectation I have is I want to be have a equal standing with my man. I did work hard and got myself into poly. I tried my best in RP to make good used of my 3 years. And I climbed my way to the position I am in now, I’m going into my 6th year of service in the company. I believe I do deserve the equal standing position in the society.

But deep down, I was hurt very badly once. Someone wasn’t even proud of what I have and even left me for my achievements. I was so badly hurt that I almost fell into depression. I lose all my self-confident, my determination to even do things that I love. I don’t want to do anything except hiding myself for the world. All that was in my mind was how could I make the guy I love feel so intimidated by my achievements. How can I make him feel so stress to the point he can’t take it and leave me. I blame myself for his departure. I was so lost, so helpless, I couldn’t handle. That period was the lowest I can ever go through.

The scar will always be there. The wound will never heal by itself. I will never forget the reason he left me. I told myself I will never allow my love to feel the same. And I will protect my self confident and determination forever. From then on, I never believe that love can conquer everything.

To the next person who thinks that I have high expectation, I didn’t ask for a lot. I didn’t ask for celebrities look alike features, I didn’t ask for mountain high dollars bills. I didn’t ask for 5Cs. All I ask for is someone to accept me for who I am. I just need an assurance, that I don’t go through what I went through. I don’t see how wrong I am in protecting myself, after all, I’m still a human being. I’m selfish too, I’m not wonder woman, I need to protect myself, because I will still feel pain, and get hurt. I will cry…

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One Comment leave one →
  1. passerby permalink
    February 25, 2011 7:42 pm

    Forget the past~ What is past had passed and won’t come back. Every time you think of it, you are being defeated by it. Look to the future!
    Maybe this article will help… http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/12/31/closing-cycles-eng-espa-port/ =)

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