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the deepest scar…

January 4, 2011

I remember lying on the same bed, staring at the same celling and B asked me one question that took me aback. He asked “If one day J comes back to you, what will you do?” I never did have the answer to reply him.

A lot of people likes to say that I have very high expectation for my boyfriend. But it has never occur to me that my expectation are very high. I came from a very open minded family. My parents believe that man and woman are equal in this society. And so I equally believe that whatever man can do, woman can do it too. And so the only expectation I have is I want to be have a equal standing with my man. I did work hard and got myself into poly. I tried my best in RP to make good used of my 3 years. And I climbed my way to the position I am in now, I’m going into my 6th year of service in the company. I believe I do deserve the equal standing position in the society.

But deep down, I was hurt very badly once. Someone wasn’t even proud of what I have and even left me for my achievements. I was so badly hurt that I almost fell into depression. I lose all my self-confident, my determination to even do things that I love. I don’t want to do anything except hiding myself for the world. All that was in my mind was how could I make the guy I love feel so intimidated by my achievements. How can I make him feel so stress to the point he can’t take it and leave me. I blame myself for his departure. I was so lost, so helpless, I couldn’t handle. That period was the lowest I can ever go through.

The scar will always be there. The wound will never heal by itself. I will never forget the reason he left me. I told myself I will never allow my love to feel the same. And I will protect my self confident and determination forever. From then on, I never believe that love can conquer everything.

To the next person who thinks that I have high expectation, I didn’t ask for a lot. I didn’t ask for celebrities look alike features, I didn’t ask for mountain high dollars bills. I didn’t ask for 5Cs. All I ask for is someone to accept me for who I am. I just need an assurance, that I don’t go through what I went through. I don’t see how wrong I am in protecting myself, after all, I’m still a human being. I’m selfish too, I’m not wonder woman, I need to protect myself, because I will still feel pain, and get hurt. I will cry…

One Comment leave one →
  1. passerby permalink
    February 25, 2011 7:42 pm

    Forget the past~ What is past had passed and won’t come back. Every time you think of it, you are being defeated by it. Look to the future!
    Maybe this article will help… =)

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